True To Truth

"The writer must be true to truth."  And the only way you can describe a human being truly is by describing his imperfections.  It is the imperfections of life that are lovable.  And when the writer sends a dart of the true word, it hurts.  But it goes with love.  This is what man called "erotic irony," the love for that which you are killing with your cruel, analytical word."

Joseph Campbell

People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life.  I don't think that's what we're really seeking.  I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive

(I said) Everything will be ok

Songs aren't just songs anymore they are the things that make me think of her.  Of the afternoons with her and the evenings of our youth.  Books aren't books anymore they are the words I professed to her, stories of love and triumph that I could never write.  Tonight I'll drive on the open highway lost and alone with my headlights out so that no one could find me, driving in the darkness, driving toward a life without knowing. 

Whatever we had or didn't should be left at that, memories that will fade and dig roots into a hollowed heart that gets harder by the day.  When I wish to remmeber I get in my cold car and drive into the darkness my only companion,... the soundtrack to the get away.  But cheer up Charlie Brown, lifes too short and your too beautiful to ever have to frown.

The Killer Awoke Before Dawn..

Painful Prose,

Is all this simple poet knows

Perhaps it's self imposed

Who really knows

Does it make a difference

Why are people bothered by such sadness

It's because they have to fake a smile,

Or because they feel the same way

Hide behind your prozac and optimism

BUT WHY BOTHER

Irish whisky and the end...

Will leave you open,

To the doors of perception!

So claim your sanctuary

...And break on through,

TO the other side

Waiting room 206

-Inhale-

-Sizzle-

-Exhale-

Take a drag of life

Chase it with a shot of slow suicide

Here in the waiting room,

Old men come to die

Their dreams and their defeats,

Haunt you.

Take them on and drown in ambition

The sizzle of your souls recognition of an end

Taste the bitter nicotine of life

Sadness as sharp as a razor and whit to match.

-Inhale-

-Sizzle-

-Exhale-

Tattoo a tear...

For every year she dosn't love you

Every year your alone

Every year you die

Every year you forget to be happy

-Inhale-

-Sizzle-

-Exhale-

Beware of the waiting room

Where young men come to die,

Where happiness becomes measured by whisky,
And drags of crumbling beauty

-Inhale-

-Sizzle-

-Exhale-

Tattoo a smile...

For everytime you see her face

Everytime she made you smile

...Everytime you remember...You're still alive

Rebel Rebel

The Slow decent of conformity and Domestication.

Live the life of your parents.

Youth fades with rebellion.

Have you forgotten Dylan and the perils of past?

Our youth pinned to the pages of discarded books.

Who have we become?

Why do we no longer rage against the dying of the light?

Old age has come and darkness is what we face.

These closet questions with no answers will soon come to be misplaced

Learn the lessons of youth

Rebel, rage...and LIVE

Mourned But Not Missed

Screen black

 

Out_ Camera pans cemetery.  High shot, slow pan, sunny day, breezy if possible.  Captures serene beauty, quiet calm.  The sleep of the dead, infinite.

 

(V.0.)

A proper introduction is the key to any substantial relationship.  The firm handshake and look in the eyes as we greet.  Well we don’t have time for a proper introduction I’ve only got six minutes, and to get all this across to you, in that amount of time is going to be pushing it. Six minutes is where we have to stop so take a deep breath and get ready to take this all in. 

 

Flash

 

Int_ Blank Room, single chair is placed in center of room- Camera is twice removed; I.e. camera is filming a TV set.

 

Narrator walk’s in room, looks dazed. Sits on stool.  Sits quiet for a second, collecting his thoughts.  With a hint of darkness and great apathy looks into the camera

 

Narrator

So this is the part where I tell you why I’m here, isn’t it?!  The who, what, where, when, and who gives a fuck.  We’ll I’ll spare you most of the details, but what you should know is that I’m 18 I used to be a senior in high school and I used to be alive. 

In a calm and subtle voice

Narrator (cont)

But none of this matters, in fact nothing you know, or will ever know will matter, all that matters is that one day you will die and everything that you do from now until then is just wasted time.

 

Narrator is getting increasingly hostile, almost in a fit, but right at the breaking point, becomes subdued and docile once again

Narrator

Your brain show activity six minutes

after you die.  Six minutes, it can be an eternity or the blink of an eye.  Six minutes of sorrow, six minutes of passion, six minutes too long, six minutes is never enough.  But to tell you the truth when your dead six minutes is all you need… (Looks around) death, as we know it does not exist it’s just a word, a symbol, used to trigger a fear an emotion a meaning.  It’s like love; a concept used to cover up what we fear the most, the unknown.

 

Flash

Int_ Long white hall.  Camera follows hall, eventually stopping in front of room 206.  Camera enters room, it’s an emergency room.  Crew is desperately trying to resuscitate our dieing Narrator.

(V.O.)

And despite all other circumstances you have been led here to me, to room 206.  I’ll spare you the details, but what you should know is that room 206 like any other room in the building, windowless, white, and fading fast.  They say white is soothing, they say its comforting that white makes you tranquil.  Here I am dieing, the typical ER scene, the rushing the blood loss the heart monitor flatling.  It’s like a play, every instrument has a part and when one of them fails they close the Curtin.

 

Flash back to empty room

<FONTFACE=VERDANA>Narrator

I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity and I realized that we are a generation of kids raised on happy meals and happily ever afters.  We are a generation raised by shit parents who didn’t know what they were doing.  We are a generation of kids raised by kids.  We are the generation with no purpose, only possession. But most of all were are a generation of people who think they are the main character in life that they determine and run their own story, change in perspective doesn’t mean there’s a change in importance, a Narcissistic youth.

Flash back to room 206.  Narrator is flat lining as the doctors give up on him.

(V.O.)

As I lie here dieing, slowly fading… becoming a memory there is a culture war being fought on a battlefield for all to see, whether you know it or not, a new type of guerilla warfare.  A wolf in sheep’s clothing.  Everything your mother warned you about.

 

Flash back toRoom, narrator looks very angry, almost shouting.

 

Narrator

But you know what you want; you want to be a millionaire so you don’t have to work, so you can quit your shit job and find something else you hate.  I know what you want just like they know what you want…money, cars, houses, a bigger dick, bigger tits, hair plugs, vaginal reconstruction…A generation of thoughtless thinkers.  No wonder were so indecisive, no wonder were always at a cross-road, do we ever know what we want or do we want what they tell us to want?  Do we have free will?  The only free will we have is Coke versus Pepsi, and even that is an advertisement to our subconscious.  You life’s dream is a cleverly placed advertisement, you reason for existence is to consume.  The way I see it everyone’s so scared of just letting go of hitting bottom.  That’s what I set out to do hit bottom. My goal was to be as deconstructive as possible.  I tried to devolve, to forget everything I was programmed to think

Flash

Int_ Narrator in his room, sonic youth’s “teenage riot” playing in background.  He’s been drinking, looks distraught.  Knife sitting on his bed.

(V.O.)

Let’s flash to the moment I hit bottom, the moment that yes you realize that you are a failure, the moment that this feeling…this overpowering pressure takes over your body and it hits you in your chest…this slowly creeping sadness that hits you and your heart begins to fill until...your drowning.  The moment that you realize that with every breath you take you will destroy something… a life, a relationship, ourselves.  Look at me the last attempt of the fail human, when all you can do is cry, when crying is the only feasible answer.  Now that I look at it, I was already dead…

 

Narrator is crying very hard.  Drunkenly slanders to no end.  Looks at the knife and picks it up.  Stop’s crying.  Examines knife.  Points knife to his chest, right above his heart.

 

Flashes back to room…

Narrator

I’m sure you’ve all seen enough movies so that you know what it must have looked like.  I stabbed myself in the heart in my room… no letter and what I though were no regrets.  The whole thing about your life flashing before your eyes… well it’s not all bullshit you remember what you want, those images that burn into your soul, you may not remember them but they’re there… I honestly don’t know what’s next. This is my first stop on the infinite road.  Who knows maybe after this whole thing is over I can be something… or shall I say, someone different.  This is what Indians would call my spiritual quest…the turn when the character resolves the conflict…the shitty part in the movie where the character finds himself, when he finally realizes what everyone else knows.  The adventure is wandering around in the dark not knowing what will happen, just letting go, the state of mind that is freedom, the ability to no longer be controlled by the trivial, to stay off the path and think.  Throw away that golden future, destroy everything your sure of, confront the familiar, live your life in the dark and every second will be a challenge, its like being in a bad dream and now I’m just waking up…taking your first breath of air.  So now you’re asking yourself the golden question; was death worth dieing for?  Was all this shit worth it, did I learn anything new, what did I get out of this?  Well if I answered that than I’d be no better than the rest, I’d ruin the experience for you, I’d be no better than…well you know.   All that matters is that mistakes are worth making and sometimes that one mistake that ruins your life that one moment when nothing will ever be the same, that mistake will be the whole point of your life; it’s in that one moment that you see everything.  Even I don’t know what comes next, and for some reason that Van Halen song “Running with the devil” comes to mind, but really all I can say is that you caught me at a very strange time in my life, what might be referred to as a transitional period so if your looking for closure you came to the wrong place, but if you leave hating me that’s fine, in fact its encouraged but just remember “This is your life…and its ending one minute at a time”

Camera becomes twice removed again.  Narrator gets up and walks out.  Flash of white light.

The end

I Don't Think You Know What Sadness Means

"Simply the complex, ambiguous sadness of the darkening room.  All the trecheries of modern love seemed beautiful."

 

"I just wondered what malicious God make a nice kid like you see anything in a shit like me"

 

"It's like that, you suddenly realize how far you are from what you really are."

 

"When you love me...it's as if God forgave me for being the mess I am.

 

"And death found me"

 

"I'm only trying to find out if I'm spending the night with a callus swine or a bruised angel"

 

"I lit another Philip Morris"

Close calls from a cold romantic

The least angelic of the angels, with fiery red lips of passion and a set of eyes that span the bleak eternity of solitude; she, the wandering siren of love held me in her possession.  Her eyes held me lost and tangled, alone but never really alone, held at a distance....held at the gates of her heart

A Few Quotes From The Magus

"Handsomely Equipped to fail, I wen't out into the world."

"The bedroom air seemed full of unspoken words, unformulated guilts, a vicious silence, like the moment before a bridge collapses."

"I'm only happy when I forget I exist.  When just my eyes or my ears or my skin exist.  I can't remember having been happy for two or three years."

"I was filled with a dry sadness, a mixture of remembering and knowing; remembering what was and what might have been and knowing it was all past."

"All the unspoken mysteries of puberty hung in the air"

 

Truth Be Told

With each answer we are given lies the end of a question, the end of a search, and a tiny death of knowledge.  With each lie spoken resurgence in knowledge is made, an obstacle in the path; in the search...in life's search, in the unanswered questions we live for.  In the beating of your heart, the breath in your lungs, the blood in your veins, lays a question with no answer, a question of vast solitude and immense depth.  Life is a series of unanswered questions and death...death is a reflection of the lies we believe to be answers, so in essence truth is obsolete, truth is what we want it to be, what we need it to be, truth is whatever we use to keep us alive.

Yes, this is a blog about HAN SOLO

I just saw serinity which was a good flick.  I never really gave firefly a chance but i liked the flick it was good. Anyway while watching it I couldn't help but think.  The main charcater is like some suave badass space cowboy dude.  Which is cool hes dressed like indiana jones he has a cool gun and the i don't give a fuck attitude.  It was clever and a refreshing change.  But as I was watching it was like man this guy is cool but hes no mother fucking HAN SOLO.  They tried to make him like han but no dice.  I mean he had the cool attitude and the fucked up ship.  But seriously lets think about this here.  Han had chewy...first and foremost thats the best fucking side kick ever.  Second the millenium falcon was the biggest piece of shit but in a good way.  Like a race car that looks shitty but still has balls.  And Han,...wll Han stood by three things chewy, his ship, and his guns...and in my oppinion thats all you need.  And i mean ok he fell in love with the princess but he was still a fucking pimp.  Case and point when Jaba caught up to him after lando sold him out and he was getting frozen.  The princess was all like "I love you Han"..and my mother fucker just looked at her dead in the eyes and said "I know" and bam he was frozen.  If that isn't a fucking bad ass mother fucker space/cowboy fucking stick to your guns and go down swinging king of cool then i don't know what is.  For that reason alone HAN SOLO WILL ALWAYS BE THE COOLEST ASTRONAUT EVER!....kiss the light saber bitches!

A conversation worth conversing about

I'm just a mix of colors and chaos

I think I’ve been detached my whole life but I’m longing to ground myself to someone or something

My first thought is I long to cease

But I guess that not true

I long for someone who also longs

Someone I can discover a purpose or mutual feeling with

Exactly

Someone who is lost like I am and together we reach this state of understanding
and through that we are tied together

like on our mutual quest for answers and understanding we find it within ourselves or something at least attainable and realistic
its like you are speaking to my soul....I feel that exact way
I don't want to be grounded to someone, but to a common purpose or feeling, or rather  an understanding we both vividly share
something that can be shared and fully understood by the other person but neither of you can explain it
kind of the way love works
like its there and you both share and understand it but, can't be explained
so I guess what I’m looking for in essence is my soul mate
that is the most sincere thing I’ve ever heard

Get me The fuck out of here

make a wish
... on a shooting star,
on a dandilion,
on your birthday,
its all the same.
Wish for me to die a horrible death
Go ahead, I dare you,
I wish for it every night
but maybe i just need someone to wish it too

SO COME ON I DARE YOU

Say it like you mean it baby,
Scream it like you mean it baby,
Fuck like you mean it baby,
If you wish 'till it hurts
like the way i made you hurt,
...maybe it'll come true
So go ahead and make a wish,

I FUCKING DARE YOU
I FUCKING DARE YOU

...I FUCKING DARE YOU

Gotham city's burning

Wander with me the dirty streets of desire Bums, wine-O's, crackheads all looking to get high. Dreamers, looking for a future. A poet projecting his miseries. All passengers in their vestal, Wandering, searching, forgetting, getting shitfaced. Stumbling through life with their sole's worn thin ...Ohh the things we should have been And yet here we are, Pondering life. Here in desire we find God, In the face of a dealer At the bottom of a bottle And in the apathy of youth Here, the moon will be the patron saint, The patron saint of lost causes. She will watch over us and echo our pain in her face. ...So wander with me the streets of desire, And pay the toll to your final resting place. Walk amongst us in the streets of the lost ...Here in the streets of desire

Atlantic city nights

Sometimes the things we're looking for, the things that will set us free are right in front of our very eyes; hidden in the face of the moon, in the eyes of a lover, in a wax poetic depiction of life....  The beauty of the world and the pulse of a city...life, love, longing, it's all in front of us, lost in the smuged beauty of the world and waiting for a wide eyed dreamer to stumble upon it.  I have found the meaning of life, love, and longing all in my fair Verona.  And i thank her for it.  Hidden in the neon lights and dirty streets is a dreamers paradise.  In these cold Atlantic city nights i have found all i ever needed to know.  Thank you fair Verona, thank you