New Years Thoughts

Truth can always be found even in emptiness and despair.  The hard part is accepting it for what it really is.  We blind ourselves to the prospect of truth, to the answers that lie within the dark wonders of the soul.  It is much easier to live in this fictitious reality, but the day will come when you wake to darkness and what you believed is empty and gone.  And the day will come when you catch your reflection, in a mirror, on the back on a spoon, in a puddle and you realize how empty you really are.  A hollow cynic, an expert novice…a fabulous liar.  And you’ll ask yourself “Is this what I’ve become?” trapped in a lifestyle of solitary confinement.  All the drinks, all the bars…all the women, have equaled nothing.  All they have brought is an inherited sadness that has been documented in blood and bar tabs.  Strewn across pages of life.  I think of the ones I’ve really loved and how I was never able to tell them.  Always to scared of being crushed.  Scattered into a million pieces and hung in the night sky.  Branded a failure.  These words are written on the eve of a new year.  A day of alleged change, but will 24 hours make a difference?  Will they change these years of failure and solitude?  Or will all this elude me for an eternity?  Will I be doomed to lay awake at night and imagine myself in their embrace?  Or do people really change?  If only time can tell, then I hope it’s soon, because I’m running out. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1….

Infamy

My nights are cold

I spend them thinking about all the women...

The promises I never kept

the look in their eyes...

The moment they finally realized I was a fraud.

I can't blame them.

Pain is the only thing that

keeps life real.

The only thing that separates it

from becoming boring binary code.

I take my drags,

I chase my shots.

I write these words of self loathing.

And still...they, I, am incomplete.

The women I've fucked

the women I've made love to

the women I've thrown away

the women that got away.

The all took a piece of me,

a souvenir they look at

when they are alone,

when they want to remember

the best mistake of their lives.

But don't flatter yourself old boy

the very mention of your name

brings a hardened face, the look of a ghost.

Vacant eyes,

distant memories.

Casey Alvarado

Casanova of whores and goddesses alike.

Prince of swine,

scum of the earth,

heart of gold,

bruised angel.

All of the above or none of the above,

that remains to be seen.

But to all of you future prospects,

remember...

Adventure and infamy have their price,

so ask yourself;

What am I willing to pay?

Path to the Guardians of Salvation

In youth,

we have a universal understanding of nothing.

We carry the beliefs of our parents

and those before them.

We've become displaced;

an awkward dance of offbeat footwork.

These half witted epiphanies

of self realizations are but

mere glimpses at the truths we neglect to see.

Our lives have become

about everything except living.

Yet we're content with traffic

and the five o'clock news.

The struggles of self discovery

have been replaced by

convenient typecasts of who we ought to be.

And though I am not alone

in the journey of self discovery;

I am alone.

Gone are the companions of truth,

and the women behind

all revolutions.

Despite the long path ahead of me,

I will persevere.

Possessed by the spirit of warriors past

and the promise of change,

we will prevail.

At dawn I will call out

my battle cry of revolution

and continue into the abyss,

until my restless soul no longer wanders.

Until we may finally be at peace,

with our true guardians.

Until we will be at peace,

with ourselves.

The Dialogue Of Love, Will Tear Us Apart

The picture I had in my head when I penned this was that of a shabby room (of which, unfortunately I'm much to accustomed to).  It's dark and there is just a little lamp on and it's a shitty room with a bed and two nightstands on each end of the bed.  And a table by the door.  A typical shitty room.  It's raining and from the looks of it it's late.  The ash tray is overflowing.  The room smells of smoke and whisky and perfume.  It's the living out of a suitcase lifestyle.  The down and outs.

 

She stood in front of me naked, except for that painted on smile she always wore after a few drinks.  The rain taped the window, mocking me, calling me out, exposing me for what I really was.  And for the first time, that night I that we'd become the furniture.  Stagnate, stationary, and sanitized.  We'd become mummified into the images we'd projected of ourselves.

"I know you don't really love me."

She broke the silence with a sharp honesty neither of us were ready for.

"You think you're different, or special and that you're meant to be alone.  But I don't think that's it at all.

I sighed, "I didn't ask you what you thought, and I really don't give a shit about your drunken half realizations."

"You're just scared.  You're just scared you're going to love someone so much one day that you'll have no mystery left.  And you'll be at their complete disposal.  You're just a scared little boy who needs to be miserable.  We all see you for who you are...you couldn't fool anyone if you tried."

She said it like it had been building.  They weren't words, it was an exhale.  It was her body purging these feelings she'd been trying to keep inside.  It was her exhale of freedom.

"If you know me so well then why the fuck are you still here?"

"Because I love you"

"You don't love me.  You love the thought of love; the concept, of never having to be alone again.  You'd love anyone who'd give you the time of day."

"You should know."

"At least I'm smart enough to know the only person worth loving is myself.  Loving someone else is just fellatio of the soul.  You lift them up to the highest point then let them fall farther then they were before.  Love and God are words people like you use to keep from living a real life."

"Ohh but bars and whores are a real life.  You're a miserable bastard."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I hate you."

"Now your getting it.  One minute you wanna fuck me, now you wanna fight me.  Beautiful feeling isn't it."

Sobbingly she whispered.

"I hate you."

Brothers in Arms

We were brothers once,

do you remember those days?

We were brothers in arms

sinning our lives away.

Kings of Verona

that's what they'd say

Look at those two,

sinning their live's away.

But now you found someone better

and the party was over the day you met her

So when you wake up five years

down the line and you realize your miserable

remember I told you so.

We were brothers once,

do you remember those days?

We were brothers in arms

sinning our lives away.

You had a brother in me,

that's what they'd say

but to you friends are seasons

and she was easy

so I hope your happy

And you can live with the decisions you've made.

Modern Savage

The beautiful purity

of self destruction.

Minimize yourself to perfection.

Feel the whiskey

brew in your stomach

and measure your life in sin.

The bigger the sin,

the better the time.

So live your life

and to hell with what they say.

They are a dime a dozen

and you are a diamond

so live in the bars,

on the streets,

in these words

and show them what they can never be.

Because if your days are numbered

and today is your last,

you can smile and bid the world adu.

Even death will fear us,

the modern savage,

the scum of the earth

with a heart of gold.

Safe and Sound

Smile for me

and show me what I can never have.

But as long as your next to me,

it doesn't matter.

So let's live our lives

the only way we know how,

we'll drink and joke

and I'll lace every single word

with "I love you."

I'll flash you every single look

with that twinkle in my eye,

and I'll hold you like this forever;

safe and sound.

If you could only see

what's right in front of you.

Next time I smile,

know it's just for you.

Tomorrow when the sun rises,

know it's just for you.

And when it dies

and the stars shine on your street,

know I'm looking up and them

and thinking of you.

So lets live our lives

the only way we know how.

We'll drink and joke

and I'll lace every single word with,

"I love you."

So let's live our lives

the only way we know how,

like every day is our last.

And as long as your next to me,

time will never pass us by.

So flash me that smile I love

and know that every thing I do,

Is for you.

Princess with a Pension in Peril and Thinking about Loss Prevention

Princess sailing on the dawn of sorrow

she asks,

when will it be tomorrow?

When will tomorrow be today?

And how long has it been…

Since we ran away?

And how long have we been…

Sailing this bruised ocean?

And how long has it been…

Since we ran out of that feel good potion?

I long for you,

instant gratification.

I long for a little,

fornication

…Of the heart and soul.

But your hard heart

bound in cement shoes

is too far gone now

so take me here

under the watchful eye of the moon

under the blank sky that reflects our bruised ocean.

Replace my feel good potion

make me forget why we ran away

make me forget about today

bring tomorrow on your lips

confessions made in our hips

…And may the moon forgive us for this.

Los Angeles

The guardian of our fair city

perched in the sad sky,

the patron saint of last call.

Sitting in your throne

you watch us stumble off our stools

we howl like mad men,

cry like children.

and pour out our hearts

like inmates at last confession.

Dreamers with hope in their eyes,

artists with sorrow in their hearts

you beseech us,

all the same.

You watch over us.

And here in your home,

at the end of the world.

We sit.

Hourglass

In the silence of our surrender

we’d become fragmented shells

of our former selves,

responding only to physical impulses.

We were lost to the world

wandering the dark abyss

that is our lives,

looking for that blinding light,

that white flash of hope

that we once shared.

But this is the life we’ve been given

despite all our parents prayers.

And as this moment passes to obscurity,

a passage in time that no one will remember

we’re dragged across existence

like a lazy southern drawl

and covered with the slurred comfort of eternity.

We have become footnotes

in the history of the world.

Once day these shackles of sin and sorrow

will be broken.

The key kept inside a beating heart,

my siren of freedom that wanders this dirty valley.

Dear Summer

The persuasive thoughts

of yesterday haunt me.

Longing for a nostalgic embrace

but remember those late nights drives

oceans and lighthouses

the Boss’ voice pushed out those old speakers.

A lullaby for the lonely,

the quiet sadness that haunted us.

Remember, until your broken arms

mend around a fading smile.

‘Cause it fades with the season,

and yeah bay,

“We burned out.”

So fade away to the tune of Thunder Road

and look back on me with a smile,

‘Cause summer romance

end at dawn.

Sunrise On The Face Of Dawn

In the seemingly endless desperation of youth

a pebble becomes a boulder

a kiss becomes a passionate love affair

a quiet conversation becomes a haunting destiny.

It’s through our brothers and sisters

through sinners and saints

that we are acquainted with life and death.

As the blurred chaos of this war,

of this struggle;

as our lives rage on

my eyes catch a glimpse of glory

perfection personified in a beauty beyond words

a flash of a smile that forgave me of my sins.

Her embrace was home.

The look in her eyes was the magic of being reborn,

of looking at a world of endless possibility.

My heart drowned in her brown ocean

swirling with the tide

kissed by perfection, the way the sea kisses the shore.

So smile because we have youth,

Smile because we have love,

Smile because we have each other,

Smile because nothing will ever be this good again.

And always remember the mornings

we’d wake up on the sand still dreaming

still living.

Kids waiting for their lives to begin,

For their dreams to be over.

But I’ll never forget the stars in your eyes

or the sunrise on your face.

So always remember the mornings I’d hold you close and whisper in your ear

“Life is at our door, morning is at our window

and our whole lives are ahead of us”.

 

Alcohol + The Power of Myth= Casey's Eternal Thoughts

Heaven and hell exist in a fictitious realm.  They exist in an obscure
dance we have within ourselves.  The minds passing of judgment on simple
situations.  Heaven and hell are the minds limitations.  The framework by
which we judge our current situations (i.e.  pleasantries vs. non
pleasantries).  Along with time and narcissism they are what prevent us as
a species from expressing our full potential.

Eternity is the passing moment with no reflex to the concept of time.  The
minds ability to exist without restraint is in fact the moment when the
body transcends itself and becomes one with the eternity which surrounds
it.  The notion of heaven and hell as an afterlife or something that begins
the second you cease to live is contrary to the concept that is eternity.
If heaven and hell are eternal then they exist as we exist.  They are
limitless and without end.  No beginning and no ending.  Heaven and hell
transcend the implications and limits we put on them, and, just like the
mind are various states of being.

The notion of eternity, beginning when we cease, is the human mind trying
to wrap its limitations on a tangible state.  The moment the mind exists
without restraint or knowledge of itself is a moment of eternity.  When the
mind is free of such implications and merely exists in situations without
reflex or the passing of any judgment, we in turn become divine.  We can
then observe things objectively, without any restraining implications.

Once the mind is allowed to flex its limitless potential, we are allowed to
transcend the physical realm and enter an eternity of enlightenment.
Heaven and hell are the minds perceptions of the life the vessel leads.
Rather than being an afterlife they are the minds waking reflex to the
situations it is presented with.  They are subjective states of being that
we create to pass judgment on ourselves.  Henceforth once the mind is able
to exist without judgment or the confines we place on it we will evolve
from the notions of heaven and hell and merely exist with eternity.

History Always Repeats Itself

And here we are again

full circle.

Breakdown,

rebuild

each time with greater intent.

Traced over and emphasized.

A reorganization,

a reexamination

of this cesspool

of this tainted species

of this file cabinet lifestyle.

colorless,

thoughtless,

genderless slaves

whipped by a time clock

maimed by a cubicle

stripped of their identity

by a managerial house slave;

a lapdog to the dollar.

My friend,

you are still one of us!

You are still a cog in a deteriorating

lifestyle obsession gone awry.

We are the Egyptians.

We are the Romans.

We are the Aztecs.

We will become the nothingness that ensues.

We will fade into obscurity

scrutinized for our lack of life,

our lack of meaning.

Tomorrow morning,

the workforce drowning in their efficiency

will wake up to their deaths.

But who will write their obituaries?

Robert Frost

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Coming Home

Coming Home

These melancholy nights,

cool California comfort.

Close your eyes baby

close your eyes and fly.

Let the dirty breeze take you.

Broken hearts and the Santa Anna’s

will float you through forever.

So just close you eyes and put your faith in the horizon.

‘Cause we can lay back and watch it all float by…

We’ll be kids again, lying on our backs watching clouds take shape.

So watch the stars

‘cause tonight they’ll shine just for you.

We’ll spend the rest of our lives

…just blowin in the wind,

we’re just blowin in the wind

Through the country side

and in-between busy cities.

So just let go baby.

Just let go…

even if I’m not the one,

just gimme a go.

Forever is just around the corner

And yeah baby I got my flaws

but I cut that anchor loose,

so can you.

So just let go baby

Just let go.

Cry your eyes out and put your faith in the horizon,

‘cause tonight we’re just blowin in the wind.

And flash me that smile

the one I love

the one that always seems to makes a cameo

and promise you’ll just let go.

Miles To Go Before I Sleep

Summer time is upon us yet again ladies and gents, and we all know what this means.  Expensive gas, sun block, flip flops, Casey's birthday and of course the traveling.  For all of you who might be doing some driving or traveling this summer I have come up with a new mixtape for just that occasion.  Its a double disk folk/acoustic/alt-country mixtape perfect for driving across the California desert.  So without further Adu, I present Miles To Go Before I Sleep.

“Says He’s Held Up With Holding On And On And On And On And On”

I hope he’s who you say he is,
Your knight in shining armor
Your prince on a pedestal
The best decision of your life.
Cause I’ve choked on these words for so many nights,
And now they’re choking me up.
The things you’ll never know
The things I never told you.
Those nights…
Those nights we were young,
We’d walk the empty streets and sing our favorite songs.
Those nights we’d sit on the curb and smoke cigarettes.
We were all we needed to be.
Well I just needed you to know that…
The nights laced with electricity and life,
They will be the only thing I take with me, forever.
So when you look back on the things you’ve done,
And the decisions you’ve made
Think of me.
And those nights.
Cause I’ll be laying in my bed face up,
And thinking of your smile.
So when he tells you
“This won’t mean a thing…”
Remember he’s who you wanted.
And for the record,
“I’m held up with holding on”
So may you achieve everything you’ve ever wanted
And if you can…
Never look back.
Cause when you do,
You’ll see the person you left behind.

Says he's held up with holding on and on and on and on and on

"I've choked on these words for so many nights, and now they're choking me up"  I wrote that line about a year or two ago and for some reason they still ring quite true.  Its funny how we can only run for so long.  I've been thinking about this girl again, the one that I always blog about.  The girl I'm always bitching about.  And its like a fucking disease.  For some reason she just always creeps into my life in some way or another.  And the best part is it's always in a strange subliminal way.  For example lately all I've been listening to is tell all your friends by taking back Sunday.  Now I've been spinnin that record since I was probably 15 maybe 16 years old.  Don't get me wrong, its a good record, but I couldn't fucking stop listening to it.  And tonight I figured out why.  It was that summer I laid eyes on the woman that would haunt me the rest of my life.  The woman that I was damned to love.  you'll never know.  And I'll never have you.  But those nights, they were th best nights of my life.  Those nights we were young.  Those nights we'd walk the lonely streets and sing our favorite songs.  Those nights that we'd sit on curbs and smoke cigarettes.  Those nights...those nights when all we were was all we needed to be.  Well I just needed you to know that, those night.  Those nights laced with electricity and magic, those nights will be all I take with me, Forever.  So when you look back on the things you've done, and the decisions you've made.  Think of me and think of those nights, because I'll be laying down in my bed face up, awake, thinking of your smile.  So when things get hard, and he says he never loved you.  Remember, I did.  And when he says ""this won’t mean a thing come tomorrow, Cause I'm still not sleeping, thinking I’ve crawled home from worse than this."  Remember that he's who you wanted.  And For the record, I'm done.  I'm held up with holding on.  May you achieve everything you've ever wanted, and if you can, never look back, cause when you do...You'll see all the people you left behind.

in·sid'i·ous-1. Working or spreading harmfully in a subtle or stealthy manner

   Speak to me.
   Speak to me those sad insidious words
   You use so well.
   A perfected phrase of happy sorrow,
   Words that flow over our heads
   And down with our drinks.
   Words that haunt only me.
   So just go ahead and pretend,
   Pretend I’m him…
   The mean of your dreams,
   The man you loved before
   Everything went wrong.
   Speak
   And let your body speak the words
   You can never say.
   Because lets face it love,
   I’m not much…
   But I’m better than being alone.
   So speak to me
   Speak to me the cool peppermint words of hope
   The heavy words of sorrow
   And your empty words of love

They're sharing a drink they call loneliness...But it's better than drinkin' alone

Those sad songs

They take you back to that gray place

The dingy bars

The down and outs

The dust that covers us,

Like old coats

...Warm and loving

This is the place,

This is the place we go to be resurrected

The living limbo

The place your both dead & alive.

You wait for someone to save you

You wait for someone to walk through that door

Silhouetted by blinding light,

An angel

...Broad shoulders, and a handsome face

...Red lipstick and a black dress to match

We come and go

Born...Resurrected

But this stool has me bound

My ball and chain

All I have waiting...

A cold bed,

With a heart to match.

So I smile.

I smile because that's what I have left.

I smile and I strike conversation.

Quiet and Polite.

Play the part,

Because I know what they want to hear...

The sad writer,

Heartbroken and alone.

And here

...Sitting in eternity...

I am much obliged.

Last Chance To Make Your Biggest Regret

She said "Conversations with strangers never came so easy,

A quick smile was all I ever needed to get by"

(I was...) Quiet and collected

(You were...) Flirty and suggestive

But games are for people who like to win

And you know what they say

(Nice guys...)

So go ahead and be his trophy

And wear your gold metal

(Around that finger)

Because lets face it love,

The only thing I can live up to...

Is letting you down

Go ahead and think things through

Cause this wont mean a thing

Come tomorow morning

Is this what you wanted?

Is this what I promised?

Is this...

Untitled

   She cries out to me
   That sad beseechment
   Quiet sublime
   Like Miles’ soft horn
   On Flamenco Sketches
 "Come home to me
   Come home to me
   In the quiet whisper
   Of a warm summers night”
   …Cause you know
   “I was a pencil tip away
   From doing something stupid”
   But all those little white lies
   “They keep me up nights”
   Say what you will baby
   (And feed the rumors to the mill)
   Because I’m two drinks away
   From proving everything you’ve
   Ever said about me
   (But just keep talking baby, just keep talking)
   Cause come last call
   I’m coming clean
   (So what do you want to hear?)
   “She was a friend of a friend”
   Twice removed
   Or that we…

   “Fucked in the bathroom?”
   (But just keep talking precious, just keep talking)
   Cause I’m not the one with something to prove
   (What are you trying to?...)
   Life is full of disappointments
   I’m no different
   So what are you trying to prove?
   (Cause the truth will…)
   Cause the truth is,
   I can hold out much longer than you.

 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _....fill in the blanks

Last night I dreamt of you.  It's been two years since I last saw you but I still feel the same.  I still feel like it was yesterday.  That sad sweet smile.  The soft smell of your hair.  The way I looked at you, almost scared you'd shatter.  If you only knew the man behind the brown eyes.  The person I could be, but never will.  You invade my dreams and intrude with a sweet serenity, grace unmatched by even God himself.  Not lust in my heart but love, a love that can never be spoke.  A quite soft love that you know but will never admit.  The hardest part is waking up knowing your not laying next to me...Merely Merely Merely life is but a dream...

A Bob Marley Type Of Mood

   Father,
   Why have you forsaken me?
   Abandoned in the wasteland of my life
   Left to search for substance in an empty land
   A land filled with the propaganda of your false profits
   All so that they might increase the profits in their pockets
   White picket profits
   With deep pockets
   Spew their sewer propaganda
   Poisoning the ocean of the masses
   Picking people apart
   Picking ME apart
   Picking apart my art
   Saying I’m possessed
   Saying “I’m not impressed”
   I don’t give a fuck if your impressed
   And maybe I am possessed
   Not by demons or devils
   But by sense
   I am a living protest
   I can not be pacified by
   False profits with deep pockets
   We are not commodities to
   Be bought and sold
   It doesn’t matter how many times we are told
   We will overcome
   I will carry the flag into battle
   We will rage!
   We will rage against the dieing of the light!

You Know Who You Are (I Hope Not)

The sun fights its way through the blinds

Holding Me hostage

Bringing me back to reality.

A life of emptyness,

Gone is the perfection of sleep,

Gone is the girl I will dream of the rest of my life...

Flamenco Sketches

She cries out to me that sad beseachment.  Quiet sublime; like Mile's soft horn on flamenco sketches.  A woman crying out to be held to be had, the sadness behind every smile.  The way "I love you" means I just don't want to be alone anymore.  But in the sadness of eternity with the full moon in perfect view, she was mine, and yet; I was still alone.

Use commas sparingly

The dramatic indecision of time lay in that bed with us, in between us, around us, covering us in a womb of guilt.  Soon urgency flooded into the room and covered me, a hazy fog that made me sick.  But I had not developed an escape plan, held at bay the prisoner of this electrifying urgency and guilt.  Shackled the the woman beside me...powerless.

Breath  the open city

Dirty and Polluted

...Home sweet home

Drink in its history

In old town dive bars

While you hear stories

Of a fall from grace

 

Caged in a crowded cubicle

I long for the sadness

Projected in the faces of the forgotten

The song of a broken man's croon come last call

 

Los Angeles

Fair Verona

Take me in

Make me yours

Show me everything that once was

And could never be

 

Here in the city of lost angels

We welcome the broken

The down and damned

Tell us your stories

Make us your history

Leave your black mark

On our dirty streets

...And never look back

 

Princess With A Pension In Peril And Thinking About Loss Prevention

Princess sailing on the dawn of sorrow

she asks:

When will it be tomorow?

When will tomorow be today?

And how long has it been...

Since We ran away?

And how long have we been...

Sailing this bruised ocean?

And how long has it been since we ran out of that feel good potion?

 

I thurst for you

Instant Gratification

I long for a little

Fornication

...Of the heart and soul

 

But your hard heart

Bound in cement shoes

Is too far gone now

So take me here

Under the watchful eye of the moon

Under the blank sky that reflects our bruised ocean

 

Become

Replace my feel good potion

Make me forget why we ran away

Make me forget about today

Bring tomorow on your lips

Confessions made between our hips

...And may the moon forgive us for this