an open letter

This is an open letter to longing and loneliness and compulsion and to her and the other and to you.  Its dizzying, love, and when i do i talk myself out of it.  I talk myself out of whatever im feeling for anyone at any given point.  I try to stay nutral and i say things that i mean but i mean them out of impulse.  I say things to kill the loneliness even if its just for a second.  And I wish things came true and things worked out the way i wanted them to but then again so does everyone else.  If things were easy there would be no point no mystery.  But then again im sick of playing this game.  I want out.  I want it to end.  I want to find someone I can tolerate and maybe even love and end the game.  I want to kill the compulsion and the things we do and say to get ourselvs through the night.  I want you to be able to feel what i say and what I do and what i mean.  And when I say im sorry I want you to know that if I could i'd take away everything sad you've ever felt.  And i know that she'll never love me and sometimes its not so bad she just becomes a thought and a lingering feeling something to kill the loneliness.  But when i think about her touch and her face and her smile...then i just want it all to end.  So i'll look at whats left and take my last gasping breath and hope my heart stops beating because after this theres no looking back.  i have become the broken lighthouse who no longer sends the singnal.  I have become that broken person.  And it will all be crystalized in regret sooner or later but i think for now we'll just the chips fall where they may and you can go ahead and try to picl up the pices but im done with that im done trying.