Princess sailing on the dawn of sorrow
she asks,
when will it be tomorrow?
When will tomorrow be today?
And how long has it been…
Since we ran away?
And how long have we been…
Sailing this bruised ocean?
And how long has it been…
Since we ran out of that feel good potion?
I long for you,
instant gratification.
I long for a little,
fornication
…Of the heart and soul.
But your hard heart
bound in cement shoes
is too far gone now
so take me here
under the watchful eye of the moon
under the blank sky that reflects our bruised ocean.
Replace my feel good potion
make me forget why we ran away
make me forget about today
bring tomorrow on your lips
confessions made in our hips
…And may the moon forgive us for this.
1 comment:
Another woman or one previously written about?
You start off with a rhyme scheme of A-B-A, C-D-C but then you change it up and it becomes E, F-G-F; H, I-J-I and then you got lazy and resorted to K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R and now you not only pick up rhyming again but you change the pattern to S-S, T-T and then end with U. However good the content may be the rhyming structure really makes this poem a flop. If you’re going to rhyme in a poem you need to keep the rhyming scheme consistent throughout the entire poem, and likewise if you’re not going to rhyme. If you truly weren’t trying to rhyme then perhaps it’d do you some good to pay more attention to what you’ve written and edit your work. The chaos of this rhyming scheme destroys the beautiful content of the poem by distracting the reader who is most likely trying to figure out what is going on. A writer should always want a reader to keep reading their work because of what it’s worth, not because the reader is trying to figure out what voice the author intended their material to be read by.
Due to your lack of structure in this poem, and a few others, I assume you don’t really care about such particulars. In which case, if you can’t grasp what it takes to be a good author then you’ll never be one.
Post a Comment